Letter from Amy: May 14, 2025

Dear Incarnation,

It was wonderful to be together on Good Shepherd Sunday (the photo above is of the kids’ “stained glass” mural of the Good Shepherd from Psalm 23 all the way to Revelation — amazing!). As I mentioned in my sermon, Good Shepherd Sunday marks 3 years since I began serving as Incarnation’s rector, a humbling task for which I am continually grateful. But my total tenure at Incarnation is 7+ years, which means I’m due for a sabbatical this summer. I can't say it enough: thank you to the vestry for granting me this time, to the staff for covering my absence, and to all of you for the ways you will continue to serve and care for one another!

I’m dedicating a few of my weekly letters to the basics of pastoral care, which everyone will step up to provide for one another a bit more in my absence. Most of you already know this stuff intuitively; you are really great at listening and supporting each other! But it never hurts to be reminded of the things we already know, especially before a time of transition.

Last week, I focused on care for someone experiencing illness or recovery. This week, I want to focus on listening well to someone who is suffering in any way (grief, change, doubt, illness, etc.). Suffering people often need to talk. And listening well — with humility, compassion, and wisdom — is a simple way we can all provide real support to one another. Below are a few points of guidance:

• Often, conversation is aided by a shared task: washing dishes, going for a walk, watching dogs at the dog park or kids on the playground. There is something about movement, shared labor, and looking in the same direction (rather than unbroken eye contact) that facilitates conversation.

  
  

• Ask open-ended questions rather than yes/no questions. If you aren’t sure how to approach a weighty topic, you can say something like, “I’ve been concerned about [whatever situation]; do you feel up for talking about it?”

  
  

• Silences are a normal part of listening — don’t be too quick to end a silence, even if you feel awkward. Sometimes a person simply needs time to gather their thoughts.
  

• If you aren’t sure you understand what a person has shared, you can ask open-ended follow ups: “I heard you say this, but I am confused about _______. Would you mind explaining that part again?” However, be careful that your own need to understand doesn’t overshadow the other person’s need to talk. Sometimes it is okay to leave something less-than-fully understood on your end. Sometimes the other person is still working out their own understanding of things. Sometimes a person’s memory has gaps, especially if trauma is involved. Give space to this process, and back off of questioning if it begins to feel repetitive or to agitate the other person.

  
  

• If you have gone through a similar experience, it is perfectly appropriate to let the person know. This can be a wonderful way of conveying solidarity and empathy. However, tread very carefully. No two people’s experiences are the same, and sharing your own story can quickly make another person’s pain feel minimized, misunderstood, or overshadowed. Avoid statements like “I know exactly what you’re going through.” Avoid sharing your lessons learned. Avoid comparisons (this is not the Suffering Olympics!). Avoid allowing your own story to take center stage. It is enough to say something like, “I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. I went through something similar last year and it was so painful, so I can only imagine the kinds of things you might be experiencing. I’d love to hear more about it if you are up for talking.” If the person wants to know more about you, they will ask.

• If you don’t know how to respond to something, you can always simply express that you have heard the person and you care: “That sounds really hard.” “I am so sorry for what you’re going through.” “What you said makes a lot of sense.” “I can understand why you'd feel that way.” "It sounds like you're in a really tough spot." It can be a great temptation to follow one of these expressions with something profound or helpful. But usually, a person needs your listening presence far more than your profound thoughts.

• Try to maintain a steady, relaxed composure as you listen, even if someone is sharing something very sad, confusing, or angering. Gentle emotional responses are perfectly appropriate (e.g., tearing up, expressing surprise). But visible, strong reactions can sometimes further isolate a suffering person, burdening them with the responsibility of regulating your emotional response to their pain. If what you hear causes you great shock or distress, try to deal with it on your own time.

  
  

• Resist the urge to respond with answers, solutions, advice, or critiques. Trust the Holy Spirit to do the real work. If you really feel that there is something you must say, give it 24 hours (or a week!) and pray more about it. Prayerfully consider whether the other person is able to hear what you want to say in this moment. Prayerfully consider whether you are the best person to say it.

• Wield scripture with wisdom. Scripture is not intended to provide quick fixes or easy answers to life’s questions. Avoid quoting scripture to a suffering person to explain why something is happening to them (only God can know this); to dictate how to feel about their experience (God welcomes the full range of human emotions); or to minimize a person’s pain in light of eternity (God thought pain and time mattered so much that he entered it in his flesh and suffered for us).

  
  

• On the other hand, there is real power in sharing the words of scripture — don’t be too afraid, embarrassed, or sophisticated to offer them! There is a way to sensitively offer the comfort of scripture without demanding that the other person believe it, change their perspective, or cheer up in response. For example, you might text a short verse with a simple note that requires no response: “I read this today and thought of you. [insert verse].” Or before leaving a visit, you might offer something simple like: “Would you mind if I read Psalm 23 [or Psalm 46, or 2 Cor 4:16-18, or…] aloud for us? I find these words so comforting and I thought you might like to hear them.”

  
  

• Allow a conversation to go where it naturally goes. Not every conversation with a suffering person needs to be about weighty matters. Processing a painful event happens over the course of many conversations with many people over a long period of time, as well as in the quiet, in-between moments of life. Often, it is a relief to talk about something entirely different — shows, books, memes, funny things someone's pet does, the weather, etc. Distraction and levity is its own kind of ministry.

What would you add? What has helped you feel heard, understood, and cared for? What has done the opposite? Feel free to drop a note in the comments or send me an email — I love hearing from you.

With love,

Amy